I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
