if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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