If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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