I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
