All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
