Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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