I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
