It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
