I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
