i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Be still, my beating vagina.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
