I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
