Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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