you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
