last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
