whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
