i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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