Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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