Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
