at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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