when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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