highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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