Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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