dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
