There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm sobbing to NWA
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
