just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
this just has baby written all over it
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
