Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
