I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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