I need to stop coming to work sober
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
