phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
