she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
