1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
