Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
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