I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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