The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
