I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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