She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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