It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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