Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just want to make out with him forever
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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