Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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