Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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