Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
