Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
