Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
