you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
