dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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