i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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