I want you more than these girls want KFC
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
