i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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