take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I checked into jail on foursquare
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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