He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
